Listen to this… I’m attracted to creative types. Every one of my dating profile bios says I’m “interested in creative types” and I’ve had my fair share of relationships with creative guys—from musicians to writers, artists and poets.
But if there’s one thing I’ve learned from my relationships with creative boys is that they’re trouble. Sure, they’re a lot of fun in the moment. And their creativity and words can have a special way of breaking down barriers and making you feel seen in ways you never knew before. But, in my experience, unless you’re willing to sacrifice a lot in whatever type of relationship you want, it’s a tough journey.
I still cling to the idea of dating and being with a creative type, but my mind shifted recently on a cool summer night. A boy I’ve loved stood in my apartment and played me a song.
He’d just recorded it the same day with his bandmates. I could see the excitement in his eyes, hear it in his voice. “Listen to this,” he said.
He pulled out his phone and started playing it. His voice singing alongside the woman who fronts the band sounded nice; the music, a little rough. The words, though. I could tell they were his. He’s a songwriter after all.
The song lyrics were about a boy—a lost love. I was standing there in my apartment next to a boy I confusingly still was clinging to with all my love and attention, and the words—they weren’t about me. It was about an older relationship of his, a boy he still visits and spends money to go out of his way to see and talk to and spend time with. And me, the fool. In love with a guy who has no words, no lyrics, for whatever our relationship is or was.
It hurt. And that’s when I realized: dating a musician is like dating a narcissist. His love for his own art could never meet the love I had for him. That’s been a painful lesson, and one I’ve unfortunately learned repeatedly.
But something I’ve learned and I’m going to cling to: it’s best to just not date musicians.
10 Reasons to Not Date Musicians and DJs
1. Irregular Schedule: The Rhythm of Chaos
Dating a musician can sometimes feel like dancing to the rhythm of chaos. Their schedules are as unpredictable as a jazz improvisation. One day they’re serenading you under the moonlight, and the next, they’re jamming with their bandmates until the crack of dawn.
If you thrive on routine and dependability, the irregular hours of a musician’s life might leave you feeling like you’re stuck in a never-ending drum solo, where every beat is a surprise.
2. Travel Commitments: Love’s Long-Distance Ballad
When you’re dating a musician, you might find yourself in a long-distance relationship more often than you’d like. Touring is like their second job, and you might sometimes feel like you’re in a long-distance relationship with a guitar case.
It’s not uncommon to pine for their presence while they’re strumming their way across different cities and continents. If you’re a homebody, the nomadic lifestyle of a musician’s career might be a tough harmony to maintain.
3. Financial Instability: Chasing the Elusive Encore
Musicians, especially emerging artists, often find themselves chasing the elusive encore of financial stability. Their pursuit of passion sometimes means living on a tight budget, which can lead to financial stress in the relationship.
You might be the one picking up the tab more often than not, and it’s like trying to turn sheet music into dollar bills. If financial stability is your top priority, dating a musician might not strike the right chord.
4. Creative Pursuits: Love vs. Art
Musicians are artists at heart, and their creative pursuits can be all-consuming. They might get lost in the melody, leaving you feeling like an audience member rather than a partner. Balancing their creative fire with your relationship’s needs can sometimes feel like orchestrating a complex symphony. If you crave undivided attention, dating a musician could be a love song with occasional interruptions.
5. Social Pressure: Partying Like a Rock Star
The music industry often comes with a side of socializing, networking, and partying. It’s not uncommon for musicians to be surrounded by a whirlwind of fans, groupies, and hangers-on. There’s drugs and sex and orgies and just full-on narcissism. At least in the case with the Brooklyn DJs and musicians I know.
If you prefer quiet nights in with Netflix and pizza over late-night afterparties, you might feel like you’re living in a music video you didn’t sign up for. The social pressure can be intense, especially if you’re an introvert.
6. Insecurity: The Battle of Self-Doubt
Behind the glamour of the stage, some musicians battle insecurity and self-doubt. The competitive nature of the industry can sometimes lead to questioning one’s worth and talent.
As their partner, you might find yourself playing the role of the backstage therapist, trying to boost their confidence. It’s like being in a support band, always ready to provide backup vocals to their ego. If you’re not up for this emotional rollercoaster, you might want to look for a more stable duet.
7. Lack of Privacy: Love in the Limelight
Dating a musician often means sharing your love story with the world. Their public profile can lead to constant scrutiny from fans and the media. Privacy becomes a luxury as your relationship is dissected like the lyrics of a hit song. If you cherish your personal space and prefer to keep your romance behind closed doors, being with a musician could feel like a never-ending press conference.
Even if they’re not famous (and in Brooklyn: they’re probably not), but musicians are almost always extroverts. They’re always surrounded by friends and fans.
8. Emotional Intensity: The Passionate Sonata
Musicians are known for their intense passion, which can manifest in profound ways in a relationship. They might write love songs dedicated to you, but they can also experience emotional highs and lows that mimic the crescendo and decrescendo of a symphony. If you prefer emotional stability over dramatic crescendos and diminuendos, dating a musician may feel like navigating through a symphonic rollercoaster.
9. Financial Dependence: The Budgeting Blues
In some cases, your partner’s pursuit of music may lead to financial dependence. As they invest time and resources into their craft, you might find yourself footing more of the bills. It’s like trying to turn their dreams into reality while managing the household budget. If you’re not comfortable with this dynamic, the financial strain of dating a musician might strike a dissonant chord.
10. Different Priorities: The Battle of Passions
The world of music can be all-consuming, and your partner’s priorities might not always align with yours. Their commitment to their music might take precedence over relationship goals. It’s like trying to synchronize two different melodies into a harmonious composition.
If you’re looking for a partner whose priorities are more in tune with yours, dating a musician might sound like a complex symphony that’s challenging to conduct. In my experience, musicians are narcissists; DJs crave attention and they often struggle giving what they receive.
Dating a musician can be a thrilling adventure filled with music, creativity, and passion. So much passion. However, it’s essential to be aware of the potential challenges and decide whether you’re ready to dance to the rhythm of their unique lifestyle.
Like any relationship, open communication and understanding can help bridge the gaps and create a beautiful melody of love.
Of course this is a bit tongue-and-cheek, because there are some musicians that I’m sure are capable of love. But if you’re a gay guy in Brooklyn looking for a real relationship, maybe a guy in a band isn’t the best place to look.